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Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.

Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.